On Loneliness.

So it has been a while since I’ve posted anything. I wish I could say it is because I have been insanely busy with projects and exciting new programs. But that’s just not the case. The truth is I’ve been a slug. A lonely, it’s-too-hot-to-move, lazy slug.  You’d be surprised how impossible it is to do anything when you feel this way. Even though we were allowed to visit fellow volunteers in our shopping village over one of the holidays, it proved harder than expected to be so alone during a time of year where I’m usually surrounded by family. I’ve never missed a Christmas or Thanksgiving with my family, and I really felt that here.

I’m an introverted person with some extroverted tendencies, and I really relish time to myself. I thought that this level of isolation and aloneless would give way to lots of reflection and creative uses of my time. But, honestly, more often than not I pass the time by watching TV shows or movies that I hoarded on my hard drive during training back in Serowe. Because it feels easier to lose myself in some crappy TV show that I would never have watched in the States rather than let myself dwell on my new found loneliness. I have bursts of alternative uses of time though. Like when I spent a Sunday sewing new curtains for my house, or the week when I spent every evening after work digging my garden. But those things sometimes take effort, and just existing here can be truly exhausting.

But I’ve realized that my discomfort with being alone is in direct proportion to the number of hours I spend in my house and by myself, naturally. There are some days when I realize that I haven’t had a real conversation (esp in English) in over 24 hours. And those are the hard days. The difficult part comes when you find yourself in a rut, feeling sorry for isolated self, but knowing that you need to go out and walk around the village. You know it will make you feel better, but if you’re at that point of recognition, it can be incredibly difficult to change out of your unwashed, minimal clothing (who wants to do laundry when it’s so incredibly hot outside….who even wants to move?) and leave the house. But it is always a good decision. Always.